


you know it's really hard to hold your breath

by yeswayappianway



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU
Genre: Bonding, Gen, Introspection, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Rooftop Conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 11:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18893818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeswayappianway/pseuds/yeswayappianway
Summary: “You know,” Jason says a third time, “I don’t really know what I’m doing.”Dick snorts. He can’t help it. “Yeah, Jay, that’s—that’s pretty obvious.”





	1. audio

**Author's Note:**

> title from Growin’ Up, by Bruce Springsteen.  
> I “wrote” this out loud as a podfic, so the first chapter has both the final audio and the unedited, “process” audio, because this was pretty much an experiment to see how that would work, and then the second chapter has the transcribed text, so if you would rather read it, that is there for you as well.  
> literally nothing could be more on brand for me than my first DCU fic being a somewhat aimless dick-and-jason rooftop conversation with a springsteen title  
> this was not betaed, so, you have been warned.

you know it's really hard to hold your breath - 10:34 - 9.5 MB - [Dropbox mp3 link (download and streaming)](https://www.dropbox.com/s/6n23jwxp7upsb2z/you%20know%20its%20really%20hard%20to%20hold%20your%20breath.mp3?dl=0)

you know it's really hard to hold your breath WIP Audio - 10:49 - 7.36 MB - [Dropbox mp3 link (download and streaming)](https://www.dropbox.com/s/0iikr668rpnx6qo/hard%20to%20hold%20your%20breath%20Process%20Audio.mp3?dl=0)


	2. text

It’s been quiet for a long time. It’s been long enough that Dick almost considers turning around and leaving.

He’s just about to pull out his grapple, when Jason says, conversationally, “You know,” and then stops again.

Dick raises an eyebrow. He wants to ask, wants to poke at him, get him going, see if he’ll say anything else, but something in him tells him if he says anything, Jason will leave and this will be done forever.

Instead, he waits. He can do it, you don’t get to be a vigilante in Gotham without being able to be patient, sit at a stakeout, but he doesn’t have to be quiet about it. 

“You know,” Jason starts again, and then interrupts himself. “Jesus fuck, Dick, sit _down_ , you’re making me nervous.”

Dick grins. It’s light, sunny, as only he knows how to make it, as all the others who’ve been Robin have tried to imitate with varying degrees of success. Not that Jason would ever believe it, but he’d come the closest. 

“You know,” Jason says a third time, “I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

Dick snorts. He can’t help it. “Yeah, Jay, that’s—that’s pretty obvious.”

Jason has the hood on, so it’s hard to see exactly what he’s doing behind it, but Dick’s pretty sure he rolls his eyes.

“No, fuck— Yes, I don’t know what I’m doing trying to explain this to you, and maybe I shouldn’t have fucking bothered,” he says, but he doesn’t sound actually mad, maybe frustrated.

“No, I just, I don’t— I feel like— You know, in stories, when someone comes back to life, they always have a reason for it. There’s some fuckin’ prophecy or… cosmic bullshit… or someone wanted it, but— no one’s ever been able to figure out why I came back.”

Dick doesn’t know what to say. He sits down. 

“No one’s ever been able to figure it out. _I_ don’t have a fucking clue. _Bruce_ certainly doesn’t, Talia never knew. It’s just like… one day, the universe decided, hey, you know what would be fuckin’ great? If Jason Todd woke up in his own damn grave.”

Dick flinches, as he always does whenever he has to think about this. It’s not that he objects to thinking about what happened to Jason, he’s not—running away from the trauma, he knows how bad it is. He knows things have happened to him, to the rest of their family—he doesn’t mind thinking about it. It’s just… for someone like Dick, who lives flying through the air, being cooped in a box, underground, is maybe one of the worst things he can think of. Unfortunately, he’s pretty sure it was that way for Jason too. 

Jason keeps going. “I just, I don’t fucking get it, and i thought- I thought, maybe, the whole…” He waves his hand and something about his posture looks… not quite regretful or apologetic, but ashamed maybe. “The whole thing with my, you know, revenge plan or whatever, getting Bruce to prove that— whatever, it doesn't matter. All of that. Um. You know, I thought maybe that was the reason, but— I think if I’d done it, I wouldn’t have been done. I wouldn’t have known what to do then either. And if I didn’t know what to do when I did that, and I don’t know what to do when I _didn’t_ do it, then what the fuck am i doing here, Dick?”

It sounds like Jason is laughing, but not in a happy way. More in a, ‘God, what do I even do about this?’ kind of way that Dick is intimately familiar with. You get used to it after being in the suit for a while. Dick waits to see if jason is going to say anything else, but it’s quiet, although Jason drops down onto the roof next to him. He doesn’t quite curl up, he’s too big to do that now, curling up around his knees like he did when he was a child, but something in his posture suggests the same idea, the same need to condense yourself, to close off from the rest of the world. Dick wants to reach a hand out, put it on Jason, but he’s too afraid. This moment is too delicate for that.

He leans back on his hands and looks up at the night sky. “What are any of us doing here, Jay?”

Jason snorts and starts to sit up, looking defensive.

Dick says, “No, I mean it, come on, think about it. Why am I here? What did I do to survive this long that you didn’t do? I’m sure I’ve done some pretty stupid shit in my time too, Jay. I just… Why didn’t I fall? Instead of my parents? Why did Bruce find me? I don’t think you can keep thinking about it like there's a reason for things, Jason. Maybe it does work that way, maybe somewhere out there there's some god, or force, or whatever, that makes things happen. But… I think trying to think about that, trying to make order out of things, can only make things worse for you.”

Jason picks up a pebble from the gravel roof they're sitting on and chucks it off the side of the building. 

“Yeah. Probably,” he sighs. 

Dick shrugs. “I mean, not that I don't do the same thing, do it all the time, but you know. Do as I say, not as I do.” He grins a little and nudges Jason with his shoulder, quick enough that he doesn't think Jason will mind.

Jason doesn't mind, or, if he does, he doesn’t say anything. What he _does_ do is take off the helmet for the first time all night.

Dick’s still not used to looking into Jason’s eyes like this. He’s used to thinking of the Red Hood as Jason as he is now: taller, bigger, almost a match for Bruce. His face is stronger, the features different. But when he sees Jason’s eyes, he remembers. He looks like Robin still. And especially right now, the eyes slightly unfocused, lost almost. But not— not unhappy, for once. And all Dick can see is the boy that stood next to him wearing his old costume, that Dick wanted to hate, _had_ hated, till he met him, and once he met him, all he could see was someone he could help. Someone who, maybe, looked up to him in some way. Which was new, it wasn’t something Dick had thought of before. And he still feels like that when he makes eye contact with Jason on this rooftop, surrounded by the pollution of Gotham, the noise of the city life. 

Jason doesn’t say anything, but he moves a little bit closer, just enough that their shoulders brush, and he leans back and looks up at the night sky with Dick.


End file.
